Closure! Thats what I'll call it today

NOTE:Before you read this I'd like to make it CLEAR this is not me talking shit on Dylan James Laing, despite some "friends" lack of knowledge about my feelings for Dylan this is just me venting and trying to let go. I'm not dwelling on the bad times, nor am I gonna sit back and let them ruin my life. Dylan taught me more about life then high school and my 18 years of existence before him. He's been my best friend, I'm lost without him at this point. I am confident though he has taught me enough to be able to guide my own way while he's gone.
DON'T BE SO THOUGHTLESS. KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF IF YOUR NOT SUPPORTIVE; I'VE COME A LONG WAY FROM WHERE I WAS AND I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR THAT.

Goin through my photobucket
didnt even realize that was dylan.
this just made my day

idgaf I miss my BestFuckingFriend
the only person that can make me laugh no matter what
lol I just think about some things and laugh

"my ear feels red"
"HOI"


but along with greatness theres sadness
you may be able to cover up some things with your ability to control me and the fact that youd give your life for me, actually you almost did for my family and myself.

I could write a book about this boy
probably could make some money off of it too
point is;
in some cases love can be deadly
i gave myself for you
you gave yourself for me



we loved eachother
...then you went to jail. thee end.
two months before you even got arrested I cried millions of tears over you
cause we both knew youd go away
it was just the question of when
3strikes your out.
my life is more important though
we've lost a lot together
i can let go cause i know youll be okay this time
i actually told this all to my mom, she cried.
cause i cared too much
ill forget the hate and lies and hurt and keep the great things youve taught me and the so many memories that can keep me laughing for hours


your gonna spend 3-to what ever year sentence you have thinking about me everynight, and i wish i could take that away for you. Cause i'm out here in the real world trying to forget about you, finally i feel like i can move on. It's taken me so long to get to this point, its unreal and so scary. I'm so sorry everyday your going to look at your wrist and see my name and not be able to erase it, i know you wouldnt even if you could. But we both know I deserve something better, 3 years isnt life but I'll experience what I can and move on from our past. If somethings meant to stay alive it will no matter how far we run from it.

its been the hardest thing not to send you the 20+ letters ive already written you, but what could you do when you read my venting and my hatred for you leaving again?
make more broken promises?
"i promise in 3 years things will be better"

The best of my days will be some of your worst, we both know that.
Thats life though
when a heart breaks it doesnt break even.
time to let go, move on.
ive gotten everything i possibly could out of our relationship
do your time, learn and grow up
when you get out, find the girl you want to give the world to




[this shoulda been a blog, i didnt intend on writing so much]


xoxoAlways Have Lettuce

I'll remember you this way.

I think about you, and I wish you were here next to me. I think about my past, and only at my fastest moments was it not apparent how empty I was. I’m okay today, and I’m positive tomorrow will only get brighter. No matter how unpainful your departure has been, I miss you. Today, Tomorrow, and everyday that follows you’ll be with me, I’d like you to remember that. I smile when I see your picture, I smell your skin left behind on your empty pillow; god, I care and I miss you. I feel as if closure has already come and then gone for me, I feel writing you wouldn’t heal your pain in the first place so why should I waste your time? Why would I wait and waste away for something that’ll never be reality? Does that make me a bad woman for running away when times have yet again gotten hard? Well whether you think it’s right or wrong, it’s already done and why regret what is now reality. There will be days that are sunny, there will be days that are stormy, but before the storm hits I always enjoy running through the pouring rain. Love Hurts, but without it I know I wouldn’t survive. He’ll say I’m heartless and just purely cold, but when he lays down at night he’ll know what I’ve done has been right. Who’s to say I deserved all he did to me, because my life wouldn’t have spun wildly out of control if his temper was straight. Maybe even if his morals of love were kissed by the sun, just to make them the least bit warm. So with all I’ve said and all I haven’t, all that’s left is to tell you it’s too late to apologize and I hope one day you wake up and find someone you wanna give the world to. Above all else babe, it is in your hands not anyone else’s.

Where I want my life? Where I want it to go, where it needs to be, and how I plan on making this chapter different. I live my life like a book, I’m so hard, I’m so awesome, I’m so inside my head. Pretty face, I still want it all.. put every inch of me on a pedastal. I’ll fly as everyone around me falls, and I’ll remember you as you were when I walked out the door for the last time. For me though, the wait is finally over; sometimes it take a thousand tries to win. So sometimes you fall and sometimes you ride that high horse a little longer then the person who was next to you when you began. All in time we’ll be together at the same level again, and who will be laughing then? Okay I’m a sinner, and I may regret what I’m doing and have done in the end. Ive been faced with a few options and it’s unknown which path I’ll choose. Three states, three lives, three choices;just 333. Living for the day, and loving the fact that I have no idea what tomorrow is gonna bring. Before I was scared to leave my life behind in that desert, this time I left running. I don’t miss that desert I refer to as the devils armpit and to all I care for, I will save you one day. Bullhead; oh sweet sweet BowlHead. The only thing cool about back there is the colorado river, none the less then theres the people. Far from sweet and kind, yeah you’ll have your few.. thank you I love you! The only thing that place did for me the past two years was suffocate me from 90percent of any air I tried to breathe. That place is nothing but full of echoes now and ‘remember whens’. Nothing left for me to learn or enjoy, so now I’m thankful for my new chance to escape. West Coast will always have my heart and you better believe California will see me again, but New York is new and welcoming. So sorry theres no one to hear you now, and I apologize about all these miles that now seperate us. I’m still here, and I love you, and I’m glad you feel the same way about never leaving my side. My best friends, I know I’ll see you again whether far or soon. I need you to know now though, that I care and I miss you.

So whether I hate the snow, hate pringles, hate the heat from ovens, and how humidity makes my hair look; I’m happy today. I found someone to make me happy, I found something to look forward to and the life it will bring. I have my courage to my right(my beautiful sister), she’s my everything. The world is just outside waiting for me. Soon I’ll be back on my feet, and I swear I’m done falling. I’m so tired of that routine, it’s not fun like it used to be. So dead, confused, lost Aimee won’t be seen if I can in any way help it. It’s simply played out, time to wake up an smell the roses; life is simply what you make of it. So make it worth it, do the damn thing Live your life for those who never had the chance to finish theirs. I have and will continue this journey, just on the other side of the rainbow; the prettier more enjoyable side.

XoXo AimeeHelena

and now, her princess will speak

It's been almost a year since I last sat here and said anything worth being said. I can't believe it's been that long, I didn't even bother to read that last entry. My mind ablaze, my heart on fire, my world backfiring... or so I thought. Going back to June09' makes me cringe here in my seat, just the thought even. How can one person be so far lost? I may have scars, but I made it out alive. I feel so educated and only ashamed at the way I used to think. I guess I made myself believe without certain things in my life I wasn't secure. The great lesson in life is that you live and you learn, with me its an ongoing equation. Each lesson has been learned in the hardest way for me, the past year has been full of obstacles, some I thought I'd never make it out of and others I almost didn't.

     So i made a big mistake, life is unfortunately full of them. Trick is making it out of these situations, goal is coming out of them stronger. Ive learned my biggest mistake was treating my friends like they were my family, all I had. Because pushing my family to the backseat was probably the stupidest move Ive made. Problem with friends is unlike family they can disappear, plain and simple. Family will always turn up down the road, forgive forget move on. Friends change, move, die, get married, have babies, whatever it may be friends turn into people and then strangers. In the end, being real isn't a priority to everyone. When it all comes down, reality sets in and whether you want there to be or not there will be nights in your life spent alone.

     I feel so selfish, because the only reason I hang on has nothing to do with future, bliss, trust, love, any of that bullshit. I'm a sucker for comfort and that relationship is one hell of a lollipop. Though I've changed, others haven't one bit and although it may look like I'm just as desperate for bad romance as before.. I'm just pending. I guess I'm hoping for change that'll never come, and letting go is what I fear most. Because while I hold onto songs like "kiss me through the phone" and the first "I Love You" what do you hold onto? People would be surprised with the answer he'd have to that question, would he ever answer it though? and would anyone get to hear it in words? Every promise that's made is broken, every dream is crushed by reality. Although you don't make me puke with regret, you make me heartless. Your never gonna be a don or a fucking rock star, your just gonna continue burning your bridges until you end up under one.
     Don't get me wrong, your potential is there. Your my best friend, your there when the lights turn off. You hold me when the tears roll down my face, your my world. I've gone clinically insane after losing you, gone crazy living with you, and ultimately learned to live without you. My struggles with addiction have been a roller coaster since you met me, and damn. Everyone has their Mary Jane, and if I could drown myself in pills for the rest of my life I wouldn't turn away from it. You can learn to face the pain and not kill it though. Sobriety has made me understand that growing up doesn't have to be so serious. But being responsible for your actions, and being grown up enough to make the right ones is more then reasonable.  It's taken moving away from all of this and hating every minute, to moving back and falling deep into a sedation of numbness. Luckily keeping my sanity has helped me start climbing outta that shallow grave, along this short path a light bulb has turned on. When I said I'd be fine, I meant it.. I'm gonna be just fine.
     However it may end up, I can do anything without him and without them. Just like before, I work better alone.  I sit here and I look up, to the one person who always said out loud what she saw written all over my face. I wait for an answer, knowing its never gonna come. She may be gone, but she lives in my heart everyday. This blog is for her, my second mom whom I miss everyday. All I have left is this ring, and although it isn't much, its just enough to keep her alive to me. I agree with Ryan, I haven't been the same since she died. Life is so precious, death doesn't care if you deserve it or not.. so I'll continue to seize the day for her. Who likes gray skies all year long? Enjoy your clouds, but don't fill the room with smoke. No one likes the taste of regret, but risk is necessary. I'm not wasting my time on something that's going no where. Sometimes love isn't strong enough, this cloud. Out of all the problems we've ever had who would have thought this is how my current thoughts would taste. I can't move forward alone and have you stay back where you stand. Too much has happened, but nothing has changed...

it's easier to keep falling.

She'll remember how easy it was to fall

She'll be sadened
She'll feel regret for all she's done
She'll find a way to come back down to earth
She'll learn, she'll be strong again
Life is only lived once
You'll fall time and time again
& maybe this time she wont rely on someone to catch her
because theres no one there now
so just live life. fly
I'll fly as you fall.


     I've realized something about this life. In the past two years I've seen people come and go, some have stayed and some have taken a long road miles far from here. I've let people bring me so low, I've trusted and been cheated in return. I look at who I've turned into... and i realize it's not worth any part of me. I've been in these places before, but I've never learned as much as now. How shady people can be, and how they're able to turn it around on you. Make you feel like it's your fault when your in reality the only one telling the truth. Through this year I walk away with knowledge and a colder heart.
     Someone once told me "In this life all you have is yourself, you came into this world alone and you'll be going out alone". It makes me believe and agree that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about your lifestyle. Although I'm not happy with what I've done or endured the past 12 months of my life I don't think I'd take back a minute if at all possible. I believe life is worth living, not forseeing. Live it, experience every oppurtunity available. Because without experience theres no knowledge to be learned. I sit back and listen to the things other people worry about, how their day is spent and what they accomplish. Is that all life is really about? Before I knew it I was there with them, and how easy it is to make it by that way. There's this fine line or right and wrong, legal and illegal. You can live life the right way, or go underground and do just fine that way too. So I went down the dark road, and it opened a new insight on everything. You hear it all the time, you live on that high horse for awhile you'll feel on top of everything. It seems like in a blink of an eye with time flying past so fast it all stops too suddenly. It's all just a dirty circle, and yet I thought it was so easy. it fucks with your mind in a way that's indescribable.
     I am not who I was 5 months ago. "Grow some cojones", Don't think so hard to please everyone around you just rely on yourself and make it through life alll byyy yourself. Although I've always had this thought process since I was like 15 and went through the biggest rollercoaster of my life it meant something different coming from him. I'll walk away from life always carrying a part of that with me. He'll truly never know how big of an impact he's been on me. You can't always be nice, and expect everyone to be the same in return. Especially when you walk out the door, someones always gonna have something negative to say. Thats the world we live in, we reside at the wrong side of the rainbow. Toughen up and show them what your capable of. So when someone has a problem don't talk about it, do something. Yes, it really is that simple... handle it. Although you broke me down so low, and made me feel like shit for whatever reason I forgive you. Because I know your better then all that, and I know you don't mean any of it towards me. It should never be about winning a fight or making a bitch cry. When you use the word Love its more than that. It's about trying to work things through the storm, wanting to make her happy cause she hurts today and every day after. It's about finding yourself in one another and being truthful and trustworthy and saying what you feel. When my friends tell me to walk away, because they see whats really in your eyes. I hope their wrong, I hope where you stand will magically change and you'll man up admit you were wrong. I won't say everything I've done has been right, but in all reality I've been so betrayed. I just realized so much in this moment in time, before after during; jail prison the emery house.. there's never been a good week. There's been perfect moments and extremely strong feelings, but you live to hate. When you got that tattoo that meant all games aside, that meant everything from the past was OVER. I fucked up, but so did you. I did a shitty thing, but was it betrayel? Was it not something I learned from you? You know where my heart stands, you know where my mind is at and what we started out of. "Your the truest friend I have" well you let other people come between that, cause I still am. Whether you believe them or not, thats fine... I'll live. Your the truest person I have ever met, your so god damn mad at this world its impossible to get through to you but your wonderful regardless. I have nothing negative nor will I ever have anything negative to say about you. Maybe one day I'll be able to show you that what people have turned me into isn't who I am. I wanna be who I was when I first met you. I know too much now, and it's not the life for me. Lies Lies Lies is all this has done for anyone. You can't trust anyone living a life like that. You can't have a relationship living a life like that. It came and went too fast, and it's a shame. Did you ever think that maybe those lies arrouse from a dirty person to break us up because she's still in love with you? I have no reason to lie to anyone.. especially you. Since day one. But that's water under the bridge. It's a shame and whatever else, Im not who they say I am. I'll continue on knowing my light in all of that. Because I don't wanna hurt and feel the way you all feel. Revenge is never as sweet as it sounds, I learned that years ago with him. You may think I'm sticking up for him or "tipping him off", regardless of anything anyone does to him he'll continue doing what he does. I learned that long before any of you, I wouldn't even waste my breath on trying to save him. You'll still believe what you want though which is why I just let it in one ear and out the other now. Because if I had the chance I'd do it for all of you, and not lose sleep. I say what I mean, and I mean that more than anything.

     So maybe there will never be a happy ending in my life, but who really needs that anyway? I've just realized how easily you can lose yourself in such a hateful world. How easily you become the bad person. So is there any point to explain anymore? So when I sit there and let you think what you want and just laugh, it's because I'm too tired. I am so weak. I am so broken. I have never cried so much in my life, it's gonna take a miracle. That miracle will come, and I will be back. No matter how much I'm broken down, I'll stand up stronger. I'll throw in the towel to this town, gladly and willingly. You can have it, cause it's just a death wish. It'll suck you dry and make you so hateful. I wanna live and enjoy my life, so I'm gone. Start off alone and maybe one day find someone who loves me for me. I don't wanna live like this forever, and I'm ready to do something not only right but healthy for myself. Although I never became a complete piece of shit, I came close. I'm better than that and I have enough dignity to admit my wrongs and learn from them. Life is what you make of it, so sticks and stones bitches say it to my face pleaseeee.
Awh that would be nice closure.


I'm me.
I never let you see the side that mattered
You'll know what I'm capable of
Cheers to the Girls
Couldn't have done any of this without you.
& I'll always remember how easy it was to fall
& we'll look back one day  cry, laugh and fuckin remember those plots
S O M E D A Y

Sabrina Michelle Ariss

Dear Sabrina,
steal me away from this dry place
where the heat lifts me, and suffocates me
take me somewhere where I can finally breathe
I remember when things weren't so hard
let's look back and relax
save me from everything I can't stand anymore
because in this moment things become so clear
I'm lost, so distraught
I wanna break free from these chains today
don't you dare break those wings, just promise to keep on flyen'
Fly by Sab, cause you can save me now
just blame me for the past, but only if you change me now
maybe I'll say I rely on you now
maybe that'll make you realize
you left, so steal me away and take me with you
dude, I shoulda known better that this wouldn't last forever
because all I see is desert now, all I feel is the heat
my skin burns, and my strength slows
save me from this place cause eternal youth doesnt exist now
embrace the past, but face the future
steal me away before it's too late
time will pass and faces will change
someday sab, it'll be too late to apologize



Fly Bye xoxoAmidea.

IMPORTANT: Remember2Breathe

hi.

I want to apologize.
to my friends mostly.
where have I been?
I've spent my first few months of 08'...
well, I've been invisible.
he said:
"all of your friends except krystal are bad influences"
he said I was better off just spending every moment with him.
I've realized..
before him, I was on my feet..
before him yes, I had fun. In my own little ways... I walked on clouds. But, no matter what, I stayed afloat.
One month with him:
I managed to crumble.
I managed to not only walk on clouds non stop, but to actually float in space.
I managed to go agaisnt every moral I had, not just for people around me but for myself.
I drowned.
My friends. My BEST FRIENDS; would do anything...
They would have helped if I had given them the chance to.
Friends can only tell when something's wrong if they see your face for more than 10minutes.
I broke.
fuuhuck.
I look at the things I would do just to occupy myself.
way too much guitar hero goin on in my room at 4:00am
wayyy too much shit all over my floor.
my window became an international gateway for people. only a hand can fit through my screen though...
His mattress held a lot of secrets. Still does.
Psh. We NEVER went mobbing on those dirt roads, but you could find us on them everyday.
BEFORE, those people would never be caught seeing my face. Now, they all know my name, where I live, and where I've been.
How blind can one person actually be.
oh am I blind.
I can hear and smell everything he does, but I can't see it. I bet if I really focused hard enough... a whole new dimension would come into focus.
It got to the point where it was no longer his fault.
it was mine.
I let him.
but life has it's new chapters.
I still wear the ring, but only because it matches my favorite necklace. or at least, that's what I tell myself.
he's dead to me? hah, you all know thats a lie.
but I'm senseless. and I'm trying to come back to life.
I'll try hard this time. I promise
I'm sorry, to all that I have let down.
Cause none of you are stupid.
I'll prove to all of you I can become who I once was.
strong & independant. never the less, she'll be back.
amelia.bitch. haha
I miss this feeling. willingness
you don't always have to feel so strong.
It's okay to feel scared about the future.
That's L I F E.
<3

"you must love yourself before you can begin to love me"

Whata Wasteland

don't ask me what happened between us..

cause if you knew him, and if you knew me
you already know the answer.

you can change someone, it's pretty simple
I'll use him and myself as an example
if you knew him before...
He was lost, dazed but mostly confused.
I stepped in and I really changed things up
the truth is..
I thought I could open his eyes enough to REALLY see what he was capable of doing with himself.
I wanted to show him how much of a good person he really is, and how much he really deserves out of this life.
I never realized how much it took out of me.
I gave up friendships, and gave up on so many people who have been there for me since day one
I paused my life to open your eyes
because honestly you were all I wanted.
I could see myself in you, I could see us forever.
It's gotten to the point where I don't feel.
I can't feel any emotion, or any hurt.
Seeing you cry now, doesn't hurt one bit.
You need me Nathan; everysecond.
That isn't what I wanted for you, nor was it what I wanted for myself.

I want you to WANT to do good in life
I want you to WANT to care about emotions and feelings others have.
I want you to be honest, and actually feel the pressure it lifts off.
I want you to feel truth and purity.
I can easily say bye, and not show a damn thing
but you know it all hurt's me more...
...we all know it hurt's me more.

so many chances
but nothing ever changes
nothing
slowly but surely it's just eating me from outside in.
when you swear to keep a promise, it's a test
I knew you'd break them when you came back here
but it gives me a reason to show you, to make you feel
I've seen your tears countless times
you'll plead;
you'll say you'll do anything
but really, what does that prove?
cause it's allllll bullshit.
I've written something like this before, this is like deja vu..
I didn't know nearly as much about you then, as I do now
I shoulda known better.
I really do know you so well
and you know I've uncovered every secret and lie.
But you also know I really love you.
as time has passed, I've realized a lot:
"we can work through this, it's just a bump"
No Nathan, I Can Work Through This... If I Didn't Have you
...I'd be okay then.
MY FAULTS;
Without me, you'll just give up
That scares me more than anything.
I DON'T want you to be who you were. Your past should STAY your past. 11:11- Don't be gone.
so hear me out.
it's time we both realize who we are, it's time for you to realize what your capable of and how close it is.
it's right there baby... so reach for it.
thats my gift to you.