Friday, April 23, 2010

and now, her princess will speak

It's been almost a year since I last sat here and said anything worth being said. I can't believe it's been that long, I didn't even bother to read that last entry. My mind ablaze, my heart on fire, my world backfiring... or so I thought. Going back to June09' makes me cringe here in my seat, just the thought even. How can one person be so far lost? I may have scars, but I made it out alive. I feel so educated and only ashamed at the way I used to think. I guess I made myself believe without certain things in my life I wasn't secure. The great lesson in life is that you live and you learn, with me its an ongoing equation. Each lesson has been learned in the hardest way for me, the past year has been full of obstacles, some I thought I'd never make it out of and others I almost didn't.

     So i made a big mistake, life is unfortunately full of them. Trick is making it out of these situations, goal is coming out of them stronger. Ive learned my biggest mistake was treating my friends like they were my family, all I had. Because pushing my family to the backseat was probably the stupidest move Ive made. Problem with friends is unlike family they can disappear, plain and simple. Family will always turn up down the road, forgive forget move on. Friends change, move, die, get married, have babies, whatever it may be friends turn into people and then strangers. In the end, being real isn't a priority to everyone. When it all comes down, reality sets in and whether you want there to be or not there will be nights in your life spent alone.

     I feel so selfish, because the only reason I hang on has nothing to do with future, bliss, trust, love, any of that bullshit. I'm a sucker for comfort and that relationship is one hell of a lollipop. Though I've changed, others haven't one bit and although it may look like I'm just as desperate for bad romance as before.. I'm just pending. I guess I'm hoping for change that'll never come, and letting go is what I fear most. Because while I hold onto songs like "kiss me through the phone" and the first "I Love You" what do you hold onto? People would be surprised with the answer he'd have to that question, would he ever answer it though? and would anyone get to hear it in words? Every promise that's made is broken, every dream is crushed by reality. Although you don't make me puke with regret, you make me heartless. Your never gonna be a don or a fucking rock star, your just gonna continue burning your bridges until you end up under one.
     Don't get me wrong, your potential is there. Your my best friend, your there when the lights turn off. You hold me when the tears roll down my face, your my world. I've gone clinically insane after losing you, gone crazy living with you, and ultimately learned to live without you. My struggles with addiction have been a roller coaster since you met me, and damn. Everyone has their Mary Jane, and if I could drown myself in pills for the rest of my life I wouldn't turn away from it. You can learn to face the pain and not kill it though. Sobriety has made me understand that growing up doesn't have to be so serious. But being responsible for your actions, and being grown up enough to make the right ones is more then reasonable.  It's taken moving away from all of this and hating every minute, to moving back and falling deep into a sedation of numbness. Luckily keeping my sanity has helped me start climbing outta that shallow grave, along this short path a light bulb has turned on. When I said I'd be fine, I meant it.. I'm gonna be just fine.
     However it may end up, I can do anything without him and without them. Just like before, I work better alone.  I sit here and I look up, to the one person who always said out loud what she saw written all over my face. I wait for an answer, knowing its never gonna come. She may be gone, but she lives in my heart everyday. This blog is for her, my second mom whom I miss everyday. All I have left is this ring, and although it isn't much, its just enough to keep her alive to me. I agree with Ryan, I haven't been the same since she died. Life is so precious, death doesn't care if you deserve it or not.. so I'll continue to seize the day for her. Who likes gray skies all year long? Enjoy your clouds, but don't fill the room with smoke. No one likes the taste of regret, but risk is necessary. I'm not wasting my time on something that's going no where. Sometimes love isn't strong enough, this cloud. Out of all the problems we've ever had who would have thought this is how my current thoughts would taste. I can't move forward alone and have you stay back where you stand. Too much has happened, but nothing has changed...

it's easier to keep falling.