Saturday, June 27, 2009

She'll remember how easy it was to fall

She'll be sadened
She'll feel regret for all she's done
She'll find a way to come back down to earth
She'll learn, she'll be strong again
Life is only lived once
You'll fall time and time again
& maybe this time she wont rely on someone to catch her
because theres no one there now
so just live life. fly
I'll fly as you fall.

     I've realized something about this life. In the past two years I've seen people come and go, some have stayed and some have taken a long road miles far from here. I've let people bring me so low, I've trusted and been cheated in return. I look at who I've turned into... and i realize it's not worth any part of me. I've been in these places before, but I've never learned as much as now. How shady people can be, and how they're able to turn it around on you. Make you feel like it's your fault when your in reality the only one telling the truth. Through this year I walk away with knowledge and a colder heart.
     Someone once told me "In this life all you have is yourself, you came into this world alone and you'll be going out alone". It makes me believe and agree that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about your lifestyle. Although I'm not happy with what I've done or endured the past 12 months of my life I don't think I'd take back a minute if at all possible. I believe life is worth living, not forseeing. Live it, experience every oppurtunity available. Because without experience theres no knowledge to be learned. I sit back and listen to the things other people worry about, how their day is spent and what they accomplish. Is that all life is really about? Before I knew it I was there with them, and how easy it is to make it by that way. There's this fine line or right and wrong, legal and illegal. You can live life the right way, or go underground and do just fine that way too. So I went down the dark road, and it opened a new insight on everything. You hear it all the time, you live on that high horse for awhile you'll feel on top of everything. It seems like in a blink of an eye with time flying past so fast it all stops too suddenly. It's all just a dirty circle, and yet I thought it was so easy. it fucks with your mind in a way that's indescribable.
     I am not who I was 5 months ago. "Grow some cojones", Don't think so hard to please everyone around you just rely on yourself and make it through life alll byyy yourself. Although I've always had this thought process since I was like 15 and went through the biggest rollercoaster of my life it meant something different coming from him. I'll walk away from life always carrying a part of that with me. He'll truly never know how big of an impact he's been on me. You can't always be nice, and expect everyone to be the same in return. Especially when you walk out the door, someones always gonna have something negative to say. Thats the world we live in, we reside at the wrong side of the rainbow. Toughen up and show them what your capable of. So when someone has a problem don't talk about it, do something. Yes, it really is that simple... handle it. Although you broke me down so low, and made me feel like shit for whatever reason I forgive you. Because I know your better then all that, and I know you don't mean any of it towards me. It should never be about winning a fight or making a bitch cry. When you use the word Love its more than that. It's about trying to work things through the storm, wanting to make her happy cause she hurts today and every day after. It's about finding yourself in one another and being truthful and trustworthy and saying what you feel. When my friends tell me to walk away, because they see whats really in your eyes. I hope their wrong, I hope where you stand will magically change and you'll man up admit you were wrong. I won't say everything I've done has been right, but in all reality I've been so betrayed. I just realized so much in this moment in time, before after during; jail prison the emery house.. there's never been a good week. There's been perfect moments and extremely strong feelings, but you live to hate. When you got that tattoo that meant all games aside, that meant everything from the past was OVER. I fucked up, but so did you. I did a shitty thing, but was it betrayel? Was it not something I learned from you? You know where my heart stands, you know where my mind is at and what we started out of. "Your the truest friend I have" well you let other people come between that, cause I still am. Whether you believe them or not, thats fine... I'll live. Your the truest person I have ever met, your so god damn mad at this world its impossible to get through to you but your wonderful regardless. I have nothing negative nor will I ever have anything negative to say about you. Maybe one day I'll be able to show you that what people have turned me into isn't who I am. I wanna be who I was when I first met you. I know too much now, and it's not the life for me. Lies Lies Lies is all this has done for anyone. You can't trust anyone living a life like that. You can't have a relationship living a life like that. It came and went too fast, and it's a shame. Did you ever think that maybe those lies arrouse from a dirty person to break us up because she's still in love with you? I have no reason to lie to anyone.. especially you. Since day one. But that's water under the bridge. It's a shame and whatever else, Im not who they say I am. I'll continue on knowing my light in all of that. Because I don't wanna hurt and feel the way you all feel. Revenge is never as sweet as it sounds, I learned that years ago with him. You may think I'm sticking up for him or "tipping him off", regardless of anything anyone does to him he'll continue doing what he does. I learned that long before any of you, I wouldn't even waste my breath on trying to save him. You'll still believe what you want though which is why I just let it in one ear and out the other now. Because if I had the chance I'd do it for all of you, and not lose sleep. I say what I mean, and I mean that more than anything.

     So maybe there will never be a happy ending in my life, but who really needs that anyway? I've just realized how easily you can lose yourself in such a hateful world. How easily you become the bad person. So is there any point to explain anymore? So when I sit there and let you think what you want and just laugh, it's because I'm too tired. I am so weak. I am so broken. I have never cried so much in my life, it's gonna take a miracle. That miracle will come, and I will be back. No matter how much I'm broken down, I'll stand up stronger. I'll throw in the towel to this town, gladly and willingly. You can have it, cause it's just a death wish. It'll suck you dry and make you so hateful. I wanna live and enjoy my life, so I'm gone. Start off alone and maybe one day find someone who loves me for me. I don't wanna live like this forever, and I'm ready to do something not only right but healthy for myself. Although I never became a complete piece of shit, I came close. I'm better than that and I have enough dignity to admit my wrongs and learn from them. Life is what you make of it, so sticks and stones bitches say it to my face pleaseeee.
Awh that would be nice closure.

I'm me.
I never let you see the side that mattered
You'll know what I'm capable of
Cheers to the Girls
Couldn't have done any of this without you.
& I'll always remember how easy it was to fall
& we'll look back one day  cry, laugh and fuckin remember those plots

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