I'm sitting here texting friends I've had for years, and facebooking others from high school just maintaining some balance of involvement I feel I need to fulfill. There's this famous quote that I absolutely love;
“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.”
Life is absolutely insane, and I don't think people realize enough how fast it passes and even more, how fast it can be finished. My life non the less has been a complete roller coaster; with past, present, times of complete insanity and yet I find myself at a stand still today. 2010 has been a crazy one if I could say so myself. This year started off with me living in Oceanside, Ca and has ended with me here in New York. I've lost a life and yet gained another within it all to say the very least. It's so hard to explain my world in this year because I don’t know where to start or even where I’d begin to try to end. I guess the moral of this chapter is I learned how it felt to lose it all.. completely. Mind, soul, integrity... just life. "Losing" "Lost", we ride ourselves ragged; that's the best I can put it.
I remember a few points of this year, and yet a huge part of this one was stuck on repeat. First off, moving back to Bullhead City, Arizona was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Point B, meeting a girl named Nicole Ray was probably what I'm most thankful for at the closing of this 2010. Me moving home was an act of rage, and self reassurance of my plan to "rule the world" in this case, The 928. Point proven... why? An act of reassurance that little ol' me could do it, I'm laughing out loud right now at my ridiculous thoughts I had then in the opening of only a year ago. I continue to laugh because my big plan was perfect on its course then when the opportunity hit, I sunk. Love in my world is pretty insane, yet I'd do anything for this love I have finally found three plus years ago. I'll talk about that more shortly, but stress...and I mean Stress killed the little girl inside of me. It was at that minute in my life where I realized I didn't want to be so reckless, I just wanted to tease myself.
It was pretty awakening when I woke up and saw things through different eyes... reality. I tried living in this bubble with Dylan and my relationship. So what, we found that living a part was much harder then we thought and wow we found out we had true love. When I think of this now through these eyes I wear today, I'd wish to take it all back. Take back the words spoken from those lips of lies. Because love is nothing without the reality of being together. It'll fade just like a memory... life fades, even when printed on paper. The point is I realized at some point it would be over, so why go on pretending? It was like a virtual meltdown, like that feeling of nothingness. When you really just don’t give a shit about anything, without the over dramatic act for attention. Then I met Nicole and found my balance in this part of my life. For the first time in awhile I laughed and had fun, while in a world of nothing but stress, bullshit, and chaos surrounding me. I was going to lose him... one way or another, see, I did lose him. So I won’t cry and even then didn't let myself have the chance to lose my grip on that part of life.
I remember this one particular trip to Tucson. I'll remember it till the day I die because it was almost as idiotic as my recent adventure to BHC from N.Y. Nicole and Aaron were like my parents at the time and took every precaution you'd take if your child took a trip 10times less dangerous then this one. I was so loaded on pills the whole car ride, I barely remember it... just being as happy as a sailor. By the time we arrived the sun was up and I was done with the trip wondering why the purpose of me coming was important in the first place. Before, with my destructive plan in hand this would have been my golden ticket to become co opt in this operation of drugs 101. I must have taken well over 10 vicoden pills in an 8 hour period, by the time we were an hour into the operation I had thrown up countless times. Still, none the less a pocket full of sunshine.
I'm sitting on my bed right now, typing away as my cat licks herself clean... and yet I'm waiting on the same thing I used to have right in hand. I'd like to say I've become something more, but it’s obviously just a sheer curtain from what’s really hiding behind it. I believe so, because honestly thinking about him still can bring tears to my eyes. It started off with him going to prison and me moving too far east, and I mean too far. Letters, leaves, and countless I Love You's. Now I look over to a corner of this white walled room and see nothing but a stack of black picture frames with our pictures in them laying there on the floor. They're all turned over because looking at them is a major risk right now. So is beauty as deep as you think? Or is pain? I may have this thought of being able to pull off normality, two jobs and a fucking cat. On the other side I have a purse full of xanax just to get me from point A to point C or whatever I'm on at this point.
My brain still hurts from the shit I've put it through... entirely too much I assume. Dark rooms and clouds painted to the cleaning, can you even see what I see? I look at myself in some pictures from what seems like a lifetime ago and my soul in painted in my blacked out eye ball‘s. It's astonishing I actually believed people would think I looked perfectly normal... what a load of crap. Pardon me while I burst right? In my head, I hear Incubus 24/7 along with Alice in Chains. Such pure words, I had to add those in there somewhere. I'm strong, I know this. It's my old soul that keeps me alive and kicking. Take life as a gift, not a tragedy. Stop drowning and get out of the fucking water if you can't swim, or at least put on a damn life vest.
So someone asked the other day what I’m going to do when he's released from that concrete building. Well, Truth is; I'll continue to live by this and only this:
So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you go.
I realize that love is a never ending thing and once you find it why would you E V E R want to let go of it. Well, simply spoken "Love Hurts" and with trial and error you'll always find it even if it seems like oil and water at times. Try time after time to stir the two together in the end they’ll always separate. In this case though, it's a fucking spell. When I have him, I lose everything I have. So with that, should I let it go or leave everything behind just to have the one thing I feel I‘d die for? It's something I still don't know what to make of. I‘m almost positive this isn‘t the healthiest of relationships; takes a lifetime to find one of those. I still have time to gamble so, I‘ll continue. Some of our weaknesses are easy to identify, others not so much but non the less we all have something that digs at us. For me, it's that right there, him. That part of me, the world now... doesn't scare me one bit. Life can be lived so many ways, and for me... it's all a pretty big joke. It'll end in a year anyway? who knows... everyone keeps living for now, So live.
I have to keep up with myself on this one, not sacrificing my weaknesses for something that feels warm. Why though? Wouldn't I rather feel warmth from him then chill from this ice that surrounds me here in NY. He will always leave me one way or another, he'll always leave. So why would I keep doing that to myself, him and I are like oil and water. you can mix it up all you want but once you stop stirring it'll always separate. If I could explain, for one second to him how much he means to me, as tears flow down my face just at the thought of starting, I've been dying. This year isn't about love, or even looking for that sort of balance. Because I already have love in my mind, and what I have there is all I want with this year. Lets just call it what it is, oil and water. Will that love ever fade? certainly if left untamed... no doubt. A million letters sit on my night stand left unsent, cause I've already said too much. As does the leaf that reads "I Love You Aimee".
I guess by writing this I've realized I still have yet to come to a constant in this insane escape of what we call life.. What I call life. I'm stuck between two crossroads, unable to make up my mind on what it is I need, want, have. I could run... I could stay. I could even fucken train hop... or simply break free. I guess if I could have done this all over again I would have made an awesome video with my life experiences. But for now, words are my outlet.
Can you feel it crush you? does it seem to bring the worst in you out?
There's no running away from these things that hold you down.
Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this?
Of all the colors that you've shined, this is surely not your best.
But you should know these colors that you're shining are,
Surely not the best colors that you shine.
Life is simply, well come on... it's a bitch.
It’s so hard to see, when I’m on my way down.
Here’s to 2011.