Tuesday, March 11, 2008

IMPORTANT: Remember2Breathe


I want to apologize.
to my friends mostly.
where have I been?
I've spent my first few months of 08'...
well, I've been invisible.
he said:
"all of your friends except krystal are bad influences"
he said I was better off just spending every moment with him.
I've realized..
before him, I was on my feet..
before him yes, I had fun. In my own little ways... I walked on clouds. But, no matter what, I stayed afloat.
One month with him:
I managed to crumble.
I managed to not only walk on clouds non stop, but to actually float in space.
I managed to go agaisnt every moral I had, not just for people around me but for myself.
I drowned.
My friends. My BEST FRIENDS; would do anything...
They would have helped if I had given them the chance to.
Friends can only tell when something's wrong if they see your face for more than 10minutes.
I broke.
I look at the things I would do just to occupy myself.
way too much guitar hero goin on in my room at 4:00am
wayyy too much shit all over my floor.
my window became an international gateway for people. only a hand can fit through my screen though...
His mattress held a lot of secrets. Still does.
Psh. We NEVER went mobbing on those dirt roads, but you could find us on them everyday.
BEFORE, those people would never be caught seeing my face. Now, they all know my name, where I live, and where I've been.
How blind can one person actually be.
oh am I blind.
I can hear and smell everything he does, but I can't see it. I bet if I really focused hard enough... a whole new dimension would come into focus.
It got to the point where it was no longer his fault.
it was mine.
I let him.
but life has it's new chapters.
I still wear the ring, but only because it matches my favorite necklace. or at least, that's what I tell myself.
he's dead to me? hah, you all know thats a lie.
but I'm senseless. and I'm trying to come back to life.
I'll try hard this time. I promise
I'm sorry, to all that I have let down.
Cause none of you are stupid.
I'll prove to all of you I can become who I once was.
strong & independant. never the less, she'll be back.
amelia.bitch. haha
I miss this feeling. willingness
you don't always have to feel so strong.
It's okay to feel scared about the future.
That's L I F E.

"you must love yourself before you can begin to love me"

Friday, February 15, 2008

Whata Wasteland

don't ask me what happened between us..

cause if you knew him, and if you knew me
you already know the answer.

you can change someone, it's pretty simple
I'll use him and myself as an example
if you knew him before...
He was lost, dazed but mostly confused.
I stepped in and I really changed things up
the truth is..
I thought I could open his eyes enough to REALLY see what he was capable of doing with himself.
I wanted to show him how much of a good person he really is, and how much he really deserves out of this life.

I never realized how much it took out of me.
I gave up friendships, and gave up on so many people who have been there for me since day one
I paused my life to open your eyes
because honestly you were all I wanted.
I could see myself in you, I could see us forever.

It's gotten to the point where I don't feel.
I can't feel any emotion, or any hurt.
Seeing you cry now, doesn't hurt one bit.
You need me Nathan; everysecond.
That isn't what I wanted for you, nor was it what I wanted for myself.

I want you to WANT to do good in life
I want you to WANT to care about emotions and feelings others have.
I want you to be honest, and actually feel the pressure it lifts off.
I want you to feel truth and purity.
I can easily say bye, and not show a damn thing
but you know it all hurt's me more...
...we all know it hurt's me more.

so many chances
but nothing ever changes
slowly but surely it's just eating me from outside in.
when you swear to keep a promise, it's a test
I knew you'd break them when you came back here
but it gives me a reason to show you, to make you feel

I've seen your tears countless times
you'll plead;
you'll say you'll do anything
but really, what does that prove?
cause it's allllll bullshit.
I've written something like this before, this is like deja vu..
I didn't know nearly as much about you then, as I do now
I shoulda known better.
I really do know you so well
and you know I've uncovered every secret and lie.
But you also know I really love you.
as time has passed, I've realized a lot:
"we can work through this, it's just a bump"
No Nathan, I Can Work Through This... If I Didn't Have you
...I'd be okay then.
Without me, you'll just give up
That scares me more than anything.
I DON'T want you to be who you were. Your past should STAY your past.
11:11- Don't be gone.
so hear me out.
it's time we both realize who we are, it's time for you to realize what your capable of and how close it is.
it's right there baby... so reach for it.
thats my gift to you.