Thursday, December 30, 2010

Raise your glass

I'm sitting here texting friends I've had for years, and facebooking others from high school just maintaining some balance of involvement I feel I need to fulfill. There's this famous quote that I absolutely love;
“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

Life is absolutely insane, and I don't think people realize enough how fast it passes and even more, how fast it can be finished. My life non the less has been a complete roller coaster; with past, present, times of complete insanity and yet I find myself at a stand still today. 2010 has been a crazy one if I could say so myself. This year started off with me living in Oceanside, Ca and has ended with me here in New York. I've lost a life and yet gained another within it all to say the very least. It's so hard to explain my world in this year because I don’t know where to start or even where I’d begin to try to end. I guess the moral of this chapter is I learned how it felt to lose it all.. completely. Mind, soul, integrity... just life. "Losing" "Lost", we ride ourselves ragged; that's the best I can put it.
I remember a few points of this year, and yet a huge part of this one was stuck on repeat. First off, moving back to Bullhead City, Arizona was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Point B, meeting a girl named Nicole Ray was probably what I'm most thankful for at the closing of this 2010. Me moving home was an act of rage, and self reassurance of my plan to "rule the world" in this case, The 928. Point proven... why? An act of reassurance that little ol' me could do it, I'm laughing out loud right now at my ridiculous thoughts I had then in the opening of only a year ago. I continue to laugh because my big plan was perfect on its course then when the opportunity hit, I sunk. Love in my world is pretty insane, yet I'd do anything for this love I have finally found three plus years ago. I'll talk about that more shortly, but stress...and I mean Stress killed the little girl inside of me. It was at that minute in my life where I realized I didn't want to be so reckless, I just wanted to tease myself.
It was pretty awakening when I woke up and saw things through different eyes... reality. I tried living in this bubble with Dylan and my relationship. So what, we found that living a part was much harder then we thought and wow we found out we had true love. When I think of this now through these eyes I wear today, I'd wish to take it all back. Take back the words spoken from those lips of lies. Because love is nothing without the reality of being together. It'll fade just like a memory... life fades, even when printed on paper. The point is I realized at some point it would be over, so why go on pretending? It was like a virtual meltdown, like that feeling of nothingness. When you really just don’t give a shit about anything, without the over dramatic act for attention. Then I met Nicole and found my balance in this part of my life. For the first time in awhile I laughed and had fun, while in a world of nothing but stress, bullshit, and chaos surrounding me. I was going to lose him... one way or another, see, I did lose him. So I won’t cry and even then didn't let myself have the chance to lose my grip on that part of life.
I remember this one particular trip to Tucson. I'll remember it till the day I die because it was almost as idiotic as my recent adventure to BHC from N.Y. Nicole and Aaron were like my parents at the time and took every precaution you'd take if your child took a trip 10times less dangerous then this one. I was so loaded on pills the whole car ride, I barely remember it... just being as happy as a sailor. By the time we arrived the sun was up and I was done with the trip wondering why the purpose of me coming was important in the first place. Before, with my destructive plan in hand this would have been my golden ticket to become co opt in this operation of drugs 101. I must have taken well over 10 vicoden pills in an 8 hour period, by the time we were an hour into the operation I had thrown up countless times. Still, none the less a pocket full of sunshine.
I'm sitting on my bed right now, typing away as my cat licks herself clean... and yet I'm waiting on the same thing I used to have right in hand. I'd like to say I've become something more, but it’s obviously just a sheer curtain from what’s really hiding behind it. I believe so, because honestly thinking about him still can bring tears to my eyes. It started off with him going to prison and me moving too far east, and I mean too far. Letters, leaves, and countless I Love You's. Now I look over to a corner of this white walled room and see nothing but a stack of black picture frames with our pictures in them laying there on the floor. They're all turned over because looking at them is a major risk right now. So is beauty as deep as you think? Or is pain? I may have this thought of being able to pull off normality, two jobs and a fucking cat. On the other side I have a purse full of xanax just to get me from point A to point C or whatever I'm on at this point.
My brain still hurts from the shit I've put it through... entirely too much I assume. Dark rooms and clouds painted to the cleaning, can you even see what I see? I look at myself in some pictures from what seems like a lifetime ago and my soul in painted in my blacked out eye ball‘s. It's astonishing I actually believed people would think I looked perfectly normal... what a load of crap. Pardon me while I burst right? In my head, I hear Incubus 24/7 along with Alice in Chains. Such pure words, I had to add those in there somewhere. I'm strong, I know this. It's my old soul that keeps me alive and kicking. Take life as a gift, not a tragedy. Stop drowning and get out of the fucking water if you can't swim, or at least put on a damn life vest.
So someone asked the other day what I’m going to do when he's released from that concrete building. Well, Truth is; I'll continue to live by this and only this:
So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you go.
I realize that love is a never ending thing and once you find it why would you E V E R want to let go of it. Well, simply spoken "Love Hurts" and with trial and error you'll always find it even if it seems like oil and water at times. Try time after time to stir the two together in the end they’ll always separate. In this case though, it's a fucking spell. When I have him, I lose everything I have. So with that, should I let it go or leave everything behind just to have the one thing I feel I‘d die for? It's something I still don't know what to make of. I‘m almost positive this isn‘t the healthiest of relationships; takes a lifetime to find one of those. I still have time to gamble so, I‘ll continue. Some of our weaknesses are easy to identify, others not so much but non the less we all have something that digs at us. For me, it's that right there, him. That part of me, the world now... doesn't scare me one bit. Life can be lived so many ways, and for me... it's all a pretty big joke. It'll end in a year anyway? who knows... everyone keeps living for now, So live.
I have to keep up with myself on this one, not sacrificing my weaknesses for something that feels warm. Why though? Wouldn't I rather feel warmth from him then chill from this ice that surrounds me here in NY. He will always leave me one way or another, he'll always leave. So why would I keep doing that to myself, him and I are like oil and water. you can mix it up all you want but once you stop stirring it'll always separate. If I could explain, for one second to him how much he means to me, as tears flow down my face just at the thought of starting, I've been dying. This year isn't about love, or even looking for that sort of balance. Because I already have love in my mind, and what I have there is all I want with this year. Lets just call it what it is, oil and water. Will that love ever fade? certainly if left untamed... no doubt. A million letters sit on my night stand left unsent, cause I've already said too much. As does the leaf that reads "I Love You Aimee".
I guess by writing this I've realized I still have yet to come to a constant in this insane escape of what we call life.. What I call life. I'm stuck between two crossroads, unable to make up my mind on what it is I need, want, have. I could run... I could stay. I could even fucken train hop... or simply break free. I guess if I could have done this all over again I would have made an awesome video with my life experiences. But for now, words are my outlet.

Can you feel it crush you? does it seem to bring the worst in you out?
There's no running away from these things that hold you down.
Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this?
Of all the colors that you've shined, this is surely not your best.
But you should know these colors that you're shining are,

Surely not the best colors that you shine.

Life is simply, well come on... it's a bitch.
It’s so hard to see, when I’m on my way down.
Here’s to 2011.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


Just a little something I did for school:

You can be compared to my love for ocean city sunset’s
Promise to never leave and make me drive 300 miles just to gaze upon you
The salt from the water leaves my legs stinging
The waves crash and destroy anything that may cross their path
Although with so much beauty there’s still so much pain
digging my toes in the sand still leaves me empty
I can only pretend to be happy
I remember the days when you'd be here beside me
when it was just you and me
years fly by just like the miles that have grown between us
Although still so weak and powerless without you
I lean against the breeze and pretend that I am weightless
I lay my head against the sand and in this moment I am happy
I smell your skin and wish you knew how much I truly miss you
whether it be years away far or near I'll be seeing you
when we're old and withered sitting here with the crashing waves and colorful sunset
only then will time seem so well spent
you and I have seen everything there is to see
I remember you and all the things we used to do
All the things we used to say
with the darkest of waters and the highest of waves
I remember you this way

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Closure! Thats what I'll call it today

NOTE:Before you read this I'd like to make it CLEAR this is not me talking shit on Dylan James Laing, despite some "friends" lack of knowledge about my feelings for Dylan this is just me venting and trying to let go. I'm not dwelling on the bad times, nor am I gonna sit back and let them ruin my life. Dylan taught me more about life then high school and my 18 years of existence before him. He's been my best friend, I'm lost without him at this point. I am confident though he has taught me enough to be able to guide my own way while he's gone.
Goin through my photobucket
didnt even realize that was dylan.
this just made my day

idgaf I miss my BestFuckingFriend
the only person that can make me laugh no matter what
lol I just think about some things and laugh

"my ear feels red"

but along with greatness theres sadness
you may be able to cover up some things with your ability to control me and the fact that youd give your life for me, actually you almost did for my family and myself.

I could write a book about this boy
probably could make some money off of it too
point is;
in some cases love can be deadly
i gave myself for you
you gave yourself for me

we loved eachother
...then you went to jail. thee end.
two months before you even got arrested I cried millions of tears over you
cause we both knew youd go away
it was just the question of when
3strikes your out.
my life is more important though
we've lost a lot together
i can let go cause i know youll be okay this time
i actually told this all to my mom, she cried.
cause i cared too much
ill forget the hate and lies and hurt and keep the great things youve taught me and the so many memories that can keep me laughing for hours

your gonna spend 3-to what ever year sentence you have thinking about me everynight, and i wish i could take that away for you. Cause i'm out here in the real world trying to forget about you, finally i feel like i can move on. It's taken me so long to get to this point, its unreal and so scary. I'm so sorry everyday your going to look at your wrist and see my name and not be able to erase it, i know you wouldnt even if you could. But we both know I deserve something better, 3 years isnt life but I'll experience what I can and move on from our past. If somethings meant to stay alive it will no matter how far we run from it.

its been the hardest thing not to send you the 20+ letters ive already written you, but what could you do when you read my venting and my hatred for you leaving again?
make more broken promises?
"i promise in 3 years things will be better"

The best of my days will be some of your worst, we both know that.
Thats life though
when a heart breaks it doesnt break even.
time to let go, move on.
ive gotten everything i possibly could out of our relationship
do your time, learn and grow up
when you get out, find the girl you want to give the world to

[this shoulda been a blog, i didnt intend on writing so much]

xoxoAlways Have Lettuce

Monday, July 5, 2010

I'll remember you this way.

I think about you, and I wish you were here next to me. I think about my past, and only at my fastest moments was it not apparent how empty I was. I’m okay today, and I’m positive tomorrow will only get brighter. No matter how unpainful your departure has been, I miss you. Today, Tomorrow, and everyday that follows you’ll be with me, I’d like you to remember that. I smile when I see your picture, I smell your skin left behind on your empty pillow; god, I care and I miss you. I feel as if closure has already come and then gone for me, I feel writing you wouldn’t heal your pain in the first place so why should I waste your time? Why would I wait and waste away for something that’ll never be reality? Does that make me a bad woman for running away when times have yet again gotten hard? Well whether you think it’s right or wrong, it’s already done and why regret what is now reality. There will be days that are sunny, there will be days that are stormy, but before the storm hits I always enjoy running through the pouring rain. Love Hurts, but without it I know I wouldn’t survive. He’ll say I’m heartless and just purely cold, but when he lays down at night he’ll know what I’ve done has been right. Who’s to say I deserved all he did to me, because my life wouldn’t have spun wildly out of control if his temper was straight. Maybe even if his morals of love were kissed by the sun, just to make them the least bit warm. So with all I’ve said and all I haven’t, all that’s left is to tell you it’s too late to apologize and I hope one day you wake up and find someone you wanna give the world to. Above all else babe, it is in your hands not anyone else’s.
Where I want my life? Where I want it to go, where it needs to be, and how I plan on making this chapter different. I live my life like a book, I’m so hard, I’m so awesome, I’m so inside my head. Pretty face, I still want it all.. put every inch of me on a pedastal. I’ll fly as everyone around me falls, and I’ll remember you as you were when I walked out the door for the last time. For me though, the wait is finally over; sometimes it take a thousand tries to win. So sometimes you fall and sometimes you ride that high horse a little longer then the person who was next to you when you began. All in time we’ll be together at the same level again, and who will be laughing then? Okay I’m a sinner, and I may regret what I’m doing and have done in the end. Ive been faced with a few options and it’s unknown which path I’ll choose. Three states, three lives, three choices;just 333. Living for the day, and loving the fact that I have no idea what tomorrow is gonna bring. Before I was scared to leave my life behind in that desert, this time I left running. I don’t miss that desert I refer to as the devils armpit and to all I care for, I will save you one day. Bullhead; oh sweet sweet BowlHead. The only thing cool about back there is the colorado river, none the less then theres the people. Far from sweet and kind, yeah you’ll have your few.. thank you I love you! The only thing that place did for me the past two years was suffocate me from 90percent of any air I tried to breathe. That place is nothing but full of echoes now and ‘remember whens’. Nothing left for me to learn or enjoy, so now I’m thankful for my new chance to escape. West Coast will always have my heart and you better believe California will see me again, but New York is new and welcoming. So sorry theres no one to hear you now, and I apologize about all these miles that now seperate us. I’m still here, and I love you, and I’m glad you feel the same way about never leaving my side. My best friends, I know I’ll see you again whether far or soon. I need you to know now though, that I care and I miss you.
So whether I hate the snow, hate pringles, hate the heat from ovens, and how humidity makes my hair look; I’m happy today. I found someone to make me happy, I found something to look forward to and the life it will bring. I have my courage to my right(my beautiful sister), she’s my everything. The world is just outside waiting for me. Soon I’ll be back on my feet, and I swear I’m done falling. I’m so tired of that routine, it’s not fun like it used to be. So dead, confused, lost Aimee won’t be seen if I can in any way help it. It’s simply played out, time to wake up an smell the roses; life is simply what you make of it. So make it worth it, do the damn thing Live your life for those who never had the chance to finish theirs. I have and will continue this journey, just on the other side of the rainbow; the prettier more enjoyable side.
XoXo AimeeHelena

Friday, April 23, 2010

and now, her princess will speak

It's been almost a year since I last sat here and said anything worth being said. I can't believe it's been that long, I didn't even bother to read that last entry. My mind ablaze, my heart on fire, my world backfiring... or so I thought. Going back to June09' makes me cringe here in my seat, just the thought even. How can one person be so far lost? I may have scars, but I made it out alive. I feel so educated and only ashamed at the way I used to think. I guess I made myself believe without certain things in my life I wasn't secure. The great lesson in life is that you live and you learn, with me its an ongoing equation. Each lesson has been learned in the hardest way for me, the past year has been full of obstacles, some I thought I'd never make it out of and others I almost didn't.

     So i made a big mistake, life is unfortunately full of them. Trick is making it out of these situations, goal is coming out of them stronger. Ive learned my biggest mistake was treating my friends like they were my family, all I had. Because pushing my family to the backseat was probably the stupidest move Ive made. Problem with friends is unlike family they can disappear, plain and simple. Family will always turn up down the road, forgive forget move on. Friends change, move, die, get married, have babies, whatever it may be friends turn into people and then strangers. In the end, being real isn't a priority to everyone. When it all comes down, reality sets in and whether you want there to be or not there will be nights in your life spent alone.

     I feel so selfish, because the only reason I hang on has nothing to do with future, bliss, trust, love, any of that bullshit. I'm a sucker for comfort and that relationship is one hell of a lollipop. Though I've changed, others haven't one bit and although it may look like I'm just as desperate for bad romance as before.. I'm just pending. I guess I'm hoping for change that'll never come, and letting go is what I fear most. Because while I hold onto songs like "kiss me through the phone" and the first "I Love You" what do you hold onto? People would be surprised with the answer he'd have to that question, would he ever answer it though? and would anyone get to hear it in words? Every promise that's made is broken, every dream is crushed by reality. Although you don't make me puke with regret, you make me heartless. Your never gonna be a don or a fucking rock star, your just gonna continue burning your bridges until you end up under one.
     Don't get me wrong, your potential is there. Your my best friend, your there when the lights turn off. You hold me when the tears roll down my face, your my world. I've gone clinically insane after losing you, gone crazy living with you, and ultimately learned to live without you. My struggles with addiction have been a roller coaster since you met me, and damn. Everyone has their Mary Jane, and if I could drown myself in pills for the rest of my life I wouldn't turn away from it. You can learn to face the pain and not kill it though. Sobriety has made me understand that growing up doesn't have to be so serious. But being responsible for your actions, and being grown up enough to make the right ones is more then reasonable.  It's taken moving away from all of this and hating every minute, to moving back and falling deep into a sedation of numbness. Luckily keeping my sanity has helped me start climbing outta that shallow grave, along this short path a light bulb has turned on. When I said I'd be fine, I meant it.. I'm gonna be just fine.
     However it may end up, I can do anything without him and without them. Just like before, I work better alone.  I sit here and I look up, to the one person who always said out loud what she saw written all over my face. I wait for an answer, knowing its never gonna come. She may be gone, but she lives in my heart everyday. This blog is for her, my second mom whom I miss everyday. All I have left is this ring, and although it isn't much, its just enough to keep her alive to me. I agree with Ryan, I haven't been the same since she died. Life is so precious, death doesn't care if you deserve it or not.. so I'll continue to seize the day for her. Who likes gray skies all year long? Enjoy your clouds, but don't fill the room with smoke. No one likes the taste of regret, but risk is necessary. I'm not wasting my time on something that's going no where. Sometimes love isn't strong enough, this cloud. Out of all the problems we've ever had who would have thought this is how my current thoughts would taste. I can't move forward alone and have you stay back where you stand. Too much has happened, but nothing has changed...

it's easier to keep falling.