Sunday, July 11, 2010

Closure! Thats what I'll call it today

NOTE:Before you read this I'd like to make it CLEAR this is not me talking shit on Dylan James Laing, despite some "friends" lack of knowledge about my feelings for Dylan this is just me venting and trying to let go. I'm not dwelling on the bad times, nor am I gonna sit back and let them ruin my life. Dylan taught me more about life then high school and my 18 years of existence before him. He's been my best friend, I'm lost without him at this point. I am confident though he has taught me enough to be able to guide my own way while he's gone.
Goin through my photobucket
didnt even realize that was dylan.
this just made my day

idgaf I miss my BestFuckingFriend
the only person that can make me laugh no matter what
lol I just think about some things and laugh

"my ear feels red"

but along with greatness theres sadness
you may be able to cover up some things with your ability to control me and the fact that youd give your life for me, actually you almost did for my family and myself.

I could write a book about this boy
probably could make some money off of it too
point is;
in some cases love can be deadly
i gave myself for you
you gave yourself for me

we loved eachother
...then you went to jail. thee end.
two months before you even got arrested I cried millions of tears over you
cause we both knew youd go away
it was just the question of when
3strikes your out.
my life is more important though
we've lost a lot together
i can let go cause i know youll be okay this time
i actually told this all to my mom, she cried.
cause i cared too much
ill forget the hate and lies and hurt and keep the great things youve taught me and the so many memories that can keep me laughing for hours

your gonna spend 3-to what ever year sentence you have thinking about me everynight, and i wish i could take that away for you. Cause i'm out here in the real world trying to forget about you, finally i feel like i can move on. It's taken me so long to get to this point, its unreal and so scary. I'm so sorry everyday your going to look at your wrist and see my name and not be able to erase it, i know you wouldnt even if you could. But we both know I deserve something better, 3 years isnt life but I'll experience what I can and move on from our past. If somethings meant to stay alive it will no matter how far we run from it.

its been the hardest thing not to send you the 20+ letters ive already written you, but what could you do when you read my venting and my hatred for you leaving again?
make more broken promises?
"i promise in 3 years things will be better"

The best of my days will be some of your worst, we both know that.
Thats life though
when a heart breaks it doesnt break even.
time to let go, move on.
ive gotten everything i possibly could out of our relationship
do your time, learn and grow up
when you get out, find the girl you want to give the world to

[this shoulda been a blog, i didnt intend on writing so much]

xoxoAlways Have Lettuce

Monday, July 5, 2010

I'll remember you this way.

I think about you, and I wish you were here next to me. I think about my past, and only at my fastest moments was it not apparent how empty I was. I’m okay today, and I’m positive tomorrow will only get brighter. No matter how unpainful your departure has been, I miss you. Today, Tomorrow, and everyday that follows you’ll be with me, I’d like you to remember that. I smile when I see your picture, I smell your skin left behind on your empty pillow; god, I care and I miss you. I feel as if closure has already come and then gone for me, I feel writing you wouldn’t heal your pain in the first place so why should I waste your time? Why would I wait and waste away for something that’ll never be reality? Does that make me a bad woman for running away when times have yet again gotten hard? Well whether you think it’s right or wrong, it’s already done and why regret what is now reality. There will be days that are sunny, there will be days that are stormy, but before the storm hits I always enjoy running through the pouring rain. Love Hurts, but without it I know I wouldn’t survive. He’ll say I’m heartless and just purely cold, but when he lays down at night he’ll know what I’ve done has been right. Who’s to say I deserved all he did to me, because my life wouldn’t have spun wildly out of control if his temper was straight. Maybe even if his morals of love were kissed by the sun, just to make them the least bit warm. So with all I’ve said and all I haven’t, all that’s left is to tell you it’s too late to apologize and I hope one day you wake up and find someone you wanna give the world to. Above all else babe, it is in your hands not anyone else’s.
Where I want my life? Where I want it to go, where it needs to be, and how I plan on making this chapter different. I live my life like a book, I’m so hard, I’m so awesome, I’m so inside my head. Pretty face, I still want it all.. put every inch of me on a pedastal. I’ll fly as everyone around me falls, and I’ll remember you as you were when I walked out the door for the last time. For me though, the wait is finally over; sometimes it take a thousand tries to win. So sometimes you fall and sometimes you ride that high horse a little longer then the person who was next to you when you began. All in time we’ll be together at the same level again, and who will be laughing then? Okay I’m a sinner, and I may regret what I’m doing and have done in the end. Ive been faced with a few options and it’s unknown which path I’ll choose. Three states, three lives, three choices;just 333. Living for the day, and loving the fact that I have no idea what tomorrow is gonna bring. Before I was scared to leave my life behind in that desert, this time I left running. I don’t miss that desert I refer to as the devils armpit and to all I care for, I will save you one day. Bullhead; oh sweet sweet BowlHead. The only thing cool about back there is the colorado river, none the less then theres the people. Far from sweet and kind, yeah you’ll have your few.. thank you I love you! The only thing that place did for me the past two years was suffocate me from 90percent of any air I tried to breathe. That place is nothing but full of echoes now and ‘remember whens’. Nothing left for me to learn or enjoy, so now I’m thankful for my new chance to escape. West Coast will always have my heart and you better believe California will see me again, but New York is new and welcoming. So sorry theres no one to hear you now, and I apologize about all these miles that now seperate us. I’m still here, and I love you, and I’m glad you feel the same way about never leaving my side. My best friends, I know I’ll see you again whether far or soon. I need you to know now though, that I care and I miss you.
So whether I hate the snow, hate pringles, hate the heat from ovens, and how humidity makes my hair look; I’m happy today. I found someone to make me happy, I found something to look forward to and the life it will bring. I have my courage to my right(my beautiful sister), she’s my everything. The world is just outside waiting for me. Soon I’ll be back on my feet, and I swear I’m done falling. I’m so tired of that routine, it’s not fun like it used to be. So dead, confused, lost Aimee won’t be seen if I can in any way help it. It’s simply played out, time to wake up an smell the roses; life is simply what you make of it. So make it worth it, do the damn thing Live your life for those who never had the chance to finish theirs. I have and will continue this journey, just on the other side of the rainbow; the prettier more enjoyable side.
XoXo AimeeHelena